Preschool?!?

When I had my 2nd ultrasound with Jude they told me they found signs of down syndrome. Needless to say we were devastated. I had some blood work done and it came back normal. OK I though, we're in the clear. My OB said "No, I still think you should see a specialist." Damn. Two weeks later we went to see the specialist. The tech did an ultrasound and asked why we were even there. The Dr. came in and agreed with our original ultrasound, there were markers. Then he found more. Damn. He took us to another room and ran down the statistics, I'm telling you it was more confusing than buying our house.
We decided not to have an amnio. The chances of having a miscarriage because of the amnio were higher than our chances of having a baby with downs based on our age/history. My OB said that if he had it or not it wouldn't change anything about the delivery.
We waited 5 months to find out if he was healthy.
May 25, 2006 we went into the hospital to be induced. Apparently Jude was a big boy and the Dr. was afraid he might be too big. That thought alone made me happy. Generally speaking babies with Downs are small, I rationalized that if he was big it was a good sign.
I pushed for 20 minutes and he was out, they put him on my stomach and I looked down into those big dark blue eyes and he smiled at me.
It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.
OK maybe he didn't smile but he wasnt crying and he just looked at me and it was like he was looking deep into my soul and I could see right away that he was perfect.
The 5 months that we were waiting I never prayed for him to be healthy, I prayed that I would be the best mother that he needed.

Tuesday my baby started preschool.

My heart is full.

Newsworthy

I like to turn on the Today Show right at 7am and listen to the headline news. I usually only get abut 10 or 15 minutes of news before the kids get up and then I get busy and don't really pay attention anymore. Before I say what my point is I want to clarify that I love celebrity gossip. I can't help myself, I just do. However, sometimes I just get sick of hearing about something/someone. I also can NOT STAND when celebrities get all preachy. I mean just because you have more money and a venue for publicly stating your opinions does not make them better than mine or anyone else's. I don't like it when celebrities endorse someone for political office because I think nothing beats good old fashion research of my own and then forming my OWN opinion.

Back to my point. The headlines this morning on the Today Show were....

The mother of that was driving the wrong way on the highway and killed 8 people.
The plane that crashed with a helicopter and killed 5 people.
AND
Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8 - how is she coping since the separation and why she is still wearing her wedding ring.

SERIOUSLY?!?!

Do we think these things even compare?!?!?

I mean the first 2 are without doubt tragedies, for everyone involved and Kate is a fame seeking, money hungry mother of 8 that is now like thousands of other women in the world, except she gets to work from home and hire nannies and cleaning people.

I actually watched the show in the beginning and thought the kids were cute and blah blah blah but then a few episodes later I realized that there is no way a family of 10 could afford to do all the things they were doing. It was not a reality show about a family, it was about a family with a reality show. That's not my line, I heard that somewhere but think it's true.

I'm off my soapbox now and I'm going to watch Dating in the Dark!

Happy Father's Day.

Happy Father's Day to my Dad...I miss you more than I can ever put into words.

Happy Father's Day to my husband...You inspire me to be a better Mother.
Thank you for asking how I was feeling today.

It never fails

I took Jude to his first summer story time at the library yesterday and Alex wanted to tag along and get some books. It was a nice day so I decided to walk. I put Jude in the stroller and headed out. I thought Alex could browse the books while Jude was in his class.

Alex, however wanted to join the class.

Jude did really well taking turns and even kind of joined in. He sat in the circle for a while and would then turn around and sit in my lap or just check and make sure I was there. He didn't even try and sing along with the class though. It's so hard at this age to let them explore on their own to gain some independence. Even Alex wanted to go up and help him. I thought it was nice to see her concerned about him but I wouldn't let her help.

On the walk home Jude wanted to get out of the stroller and I told him when we got to our street he could get out and walk. Of course any 3 year old boy isn't satisfied with just walking, they have to run. It didn't help that Alex was walking ahead of us so he had to run to keep up with her.

As we neared the cross street who did we run into but Mr & Mrs Perfect and little Perfect out for a walk. I kept telling Alex & Jude to stop because I was afraid Jude would run right out into the street towards home and his Daddy who happened to be standing out in front of our house. Every time I yelled at them to stop and was almost close enough to grab his hand he would take off running again. This happened twice and all the while Alex was still just a few feet in front of him. I knew she would stop at the stop sign and wait for either me or Jason to tell her to cross but I wasn't sure Jude would. I had a vision of my little baby running out in front of a car so I pushed the stroller aside and ran to him and scooped him up just as Jason ran across the street. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the stroller tumble over. I snapped at Jason for tempting Jude to run but of course he was thinking the same thing I was and that's why he crossed the street before we could get there.

I realized I was mad first because I told both kids to stop and they wouldn't listen but secondly why do I always make a fool of myself in front of the Perfect Family?? I mean I must have looked like a lunatic pushing the stroller aside and running off after Jude when there wasn't even a car in sight!

I want neighbors that are crazy like me with messy backyards, kids yelling and making noise. I don't like living next door to the Perfects :(

Sundays

Every Sunday I get so excited to read the new Post Secrets. I like to make up stories about the post cards, what I think the person that sent them meant.

Sometimes they are just too sad.

I guess we do like to know that we aren't the only people in the world that are sad, feeling rejected, or whatever other emotions come up by reading them.

Letting go - just a little

I signed Jude up for swimming lessons today. I know it's the responsible thing to do but then I came home and I was reading the "rules and regulations" and it said parents aren't allowed to stand near the pool because the lifeguards need quick and easy access in case of an emergency. I broke out in a cold sweat. I could feel it in my pits. My baby slipping under the water, I think I'm going to be sick.....

In case you are wondering the age level for Alex was already filled. I will sign her up for the 2nd session.

The picture is of Alex when she was 3 taking swimming lessons.

So cute!!

Alex 1st Communion

Here are some pictures from Alex's first communion. She looked absolutely beautiful and we got really lucky because the weather turned out to be perfect!

Time to Get Moving...

My family lives in Cleveland, OH. We've all heard the jokes...Mistake on the lake blah blah blah. I always felt like I needed to defend Cleveland but as an adult I'm kind of over it. I don't mean to be mean about it but as long as I can remember Cleveland has been struggling and just on the verge of being something great. Last summer we took the kids to Pittsburgh to the zoo and spent the evening walking around their waterfront area. It's beautiful. I've never been to Chicago but everyone knows how great their waterfront area is. I think Cleveland has missed the boat. Over and over and over again. It's time for us to move on.

We want to move to Columbus, OH. OK so it's not that far and not that much warmer but they get less snow than we do and if you live in or near Cleveland you'll understand what that means. I read in the paper once that Cleveland has more cloudy days than a city in Alaska. Unfortunately I can't remember what city but seriously...Alaska?!?

That's the background, now enters the problem. We can't just up and move without a job. We have little bird mouths to feed and lots and lots of other bills to pay. We need a job in Columbus. Soon. I would like to be there before next winter.

Any ideas?!?!?!?

Happy Birthday Jude

On Monday (25th) my baby boy turned 3. I can't explain the joy that I get from this little guy. He's just always so happy. I wish I could be more like him. It's odd that you can learn so much from your children at such an early age.

I took Jude for his 3 year check up this morning and he's in the 75th percentile for his height and 50th for his weight. When I carry him it feels like he should be in a higher percentile than that! All he wanted to do is show the Dr. his knees, they both have "boo boo's". Of course the Dr. asked about his speech therapy also. I knew it was coming but I told him my plans for preschool and I told him that we took him out of speech therapy and I didn't explain more than that and he didn't ask.

This is the first birthday that my Dad has missed for either of my kids. Two weeks ago he missed my birthday also. I'm still waiting for it to get easier.

Babies

I have 2 kids. I've always wanted 3 kids. In May 2008 I found out I was pregnant with my third, July 7, 2008 I had a miscarriage. It was a week and a half after my Dad died. It took me months to forgive myself. I kept thinking that it was my fault, my body did something wrong. I thought that I would never had another baby, it just wasn't in Gods' plans for us. While I was at my Grannys' funeral I saw a newborn. My cousins wife had a baby girl. Our babies were due a day apart. I couldn't help but think that my baby would be the same age as her baby girl. It was more painful than I could imagine. I want to hold a baby and smell it and hear those little noises that newborns make. I have this nagging feeling that my family isn't complete. Here's the problem...My husband doesn't want another baby. Actually he says he's on the fence. He knows how I feel and I know how he feels so now what do we do? If I don't have another child will I always regret it and end up resenting him in 5 years? If we have another child will he end up resenting me in 5 years? I don't know what the answer is. I'm going to pray alot and I'm going to try and let it go, things will work out the way they were meant to.

Granny

They say every family has a matriarch - the lady behind the scenes that keeps everyone in line. That was my Granny. My father's mother. She gave birth to 9 children - 9! While they didn't have a lot of money, actually they didn't have any money when my Dad was a little boy my Granny had enough love to go around. It sounds like an old cliche but it's true. My Dad was the oldest boy raised on a farm in TN. My Pa was never one to work much so it fell to my Dad pretty early on to take care of the garden or the family wouldn't have anything to eat all winter. That's a pretty big task for a 9 year old boy. I can't imagine. My Dad and my Granny learned to work as a team. Granny would tell him when things needed to be planted and how to do it and my Dad would go out and do all the work. I'm sure my Granny helped when she could but don't forget that she had 8 other kids to look after. Two years after my Dad was born she had twins and then approximately every 2 years she had another baby. My Dad eventually grew up and moved to the big city to get a job and sent money back to Granny whenever she needed. My Dad retired when he was only 48 and immediately moved back to TN to live near Granny. He took care of her as long as he could.
I can't imagine what life has been like for my Granny, especially these last few years. My Pa died in 1991 and since then my Granny had to bury 3 of her children, the latest being my Dad. My Granny passed away last Thursday and I will forever miss her quiet strenght but I know that she was ready to go. I hope she has found eternal rest with the her children and husband.

The Drama Queen

Last night as I was tucking my 7-year old daughter into bed she asked me what bragging meant. After a brief explanation of the meaning she told me that she thought one of her friends did that a lot and she was going to do it to her so she would know how it felt. I did my best to explain to her that 2 wrongs don't make a right and if this girl were truly her friend she should be able to talk to her about her feelings. Right in the middle of all that she said to me - and I quote - "Mom, I just don't know what I'm going to do with my life." - Did I mention that she's 7!?! I asked what did she mean exactly; a new hobby, or what she wanted to be when she grew up and she said "Not like that I mean sometimes I get into trouble." As much as I love my daughter she's a drama queen. We went out to dinner last night and she ordered something she didn't like and of course drama ensued! The events at dinner were apparently life changing for a 7 year old! Can you imagine when she's 17? AAAAHHHHHHH!!

Holidays

So it's been a while since my last post. The holidays were a little difficult this year. I was really dreading Thanksgiving especially. Thanksgiving 2007 my Dad told me that his cancer was back. Thanksgiving 2008 was my first Thanksgiving without him. I think the holidays always make us reflect on the past year and so not only did I recall the events from last Thanksgiving but I missed my Dad horribly.

I haven't spent a Christmas with my Dad in 10 years so that was a little easier but I still thought about him a lot. My Mom got to spend her first Christmas with my kids and I hope that helped her get through it.

I tried to make New Years Eve fun for the kids. We grilled steaks and had my Mom over for dinner and then I melted some chocolate and let the kids dip. Bananas and strawberries were the favorites. Although I liked the pretzels best myself.

Now that it's 2009 I feel a little re-newed. When 2008 came around I had a feeling of dread hanging over my head. I knew it was going to be a bad year and there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it. I was right. However, I feel like better things are coming. Only happy thoughts for the New Year. I mean after what we went through last year it almost can't get any worse - right?